This is a question that I often see popping up on the internet and it is a question that I asked myself numerous times, every time I went out with a guy and maybe I was wearing a turban or a wig and it was not clear how bald I was on a scale from 1 to 10. [22, kinda]
Unfortunately, the answer I have is not to be found in the question just asked.
The answer is obtained from the question:
how comfortable are you with yourself?
Because being “different” from most people mean you feel like you’re always under the crosshairs of other people’s judgment and intimacy is a part of us so vulnerable that exposing yourself to a stranger seems like an act of a fool, an embarrassing moment that we could happily skip!
So I have listed here some brain-monsters of us women to put you in a wider perspective of what self-confidence means:
I can’t sleep over or he’ll see me without make-up in the morning. I’m not yet ready.
- past me: I have to wake up before him so I can go to the bathroom and do my make up on my eyebrows and eyes. I can’t stand the thought of him turning in the morning light and seeing that I do not have a face!
I can’t sleep with him, he’ll notice I haven’t shaved!
- past me: if I sleep with him, I will have to tell him that I have no hair or never let him touch my face!
Naked? Only in the dark. Cellulite, fat, flaws.
- past me: no light on and I have to be careful not to leave my face printed on the pillow. Also, he cannot look at me longer than a few seconds in the eyes or he’ll notice something’s wrong being such close up!
I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m inexperienced, the scars, the spots on the skin, the pimples, the filthy hair, the rasta on the legs, the period, the swollen belly, farts, grandma lingerie, wrinkly vaginas.
We are not satisfied with how we look and we always have a small or big hidden fear that we would never want to expose to the other person.
However, let’s all take a moment to think of the time we have released these stressful thoughts with someone and how we finally felt free to be as we are before that person.
How much confidence do you have with yourself?
Do you love yourself?
Because these are the fundamental questions to be answered before worrying about what the person you are going out with will think of you.
I spent an entire adolescence being ashamed of how I really was, of my little monster look-like, full of hair-holes on the head that I did not know how to handle, with the face that would erase for every sweat, caress, kiss, dance, swim in the sea, dive in the pool, volleyball match with friends, tight hug.
I deprived myself of all this love whenever my insecurity won over my love for me.
And it won too many times.
So…When did I tell the people I went out with that I was bald? Never.
To my very first boy, after months of mystery, I have more or less implied that I had a problem with trichotillomania and that it was quite serious.
I was 15 years old.
Once I asked him about it a few days ago, he said he already knew I had no hair and he didn’t care at all, but he wasn’t sure on how to behave because I was so weird about it!!!!
Basically, to none of the people I dated ever really imported anything of my hair.
They have always wanted to know me as a person and if I had painted my skin yellow or had started dressing like a monkey, I think they would have found me interesting anyway.
..Or not. Maybe they would have found me too crazy!
In other words, this leads to the fact that if the person in front of you cannot overcome an aesthetic problem like being hairless, then they are not and never will be the right person for you!
But the problem is theirs, not yours.
Our relationships are mostly made of chemistry, and in my younger years I have always been afraid to bring down that chemistry by showing myself for who I was.
Maybe sometimes it happened too, but I never noticed it.
But you do not have to go through what I’ve been through,
the right time to love yourself is now,
not tomorrow, and it’s like ripping off a band-aid: it takes a second and after a few minutes you already forget about the pain.
- Making love and keeping your hands on your head like I used to do when I was wearing just a scarf, is not a good way to enjoy life and sex.
- Worrying more about your face than about the person you have inside is a certified recipe for not knowing what we’re talking about when we say “orgasm”.
When do you have to tell him that you are without hair or face hair?
When you say it to yourself, when you start playing with your head and your expressions, when you pick up the colors and are not afraid to use them, when being in the spotlight does not bother you anymore, when in the photos I can spot you with the wig, without, with a hat, with two, with a pyramid of hats, with a thousand scarves that play with the wind, with a smile printed on the face.
Only then it’s the right time to date!
Do you think they all fell in love with Julia Roberts for her curly hair?
Do you think Ariana Grande became famous for her silky ponytail?
Do you think that Louis XIV inherited an empire because of his long hair?
Hair is just hair. Don’t add it value that makes important things in your life depend on it!
HOW TO DO IT
I imagine a conversation like the any other, one of the many you make between an ice cream and a glass of wine.
“For the record, I don’t have have hair.
Neither eyelashes or eyebrows.
And I’m also shaved ob my body! I’m a hairdresser nightmare because they would all go out of business if it was for people like me!
You see? These are fake [indicating the eyelashes] and these drawn! [pointing to eyebrows]
I began to pull my hair without knowing any particular reason, but my brain decided without consulting me that this, exactly this, was the right way to lay down some anxiety.
We are still thinking about why it did not choose cards, pool-yoga or staring at road-work in progress like old men like to harmlessly do with their anxiety.
Now it’s your turn!”
WHEN TO DO IT
I usually like to state it by showing up with a small coppola hat (or similar) and big earrings.
But if you don’t, then you have to do it in the first moment in which you don’t feel comfortable about your bald self with that person, immediately slide back the balance by clearly speaking the truth.
You have no idea how much freedom can spring from the truth.
All what follows can’t be as bad as when you thought you would lose your hair!! AM I RIGHT?!